It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”. Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart? Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel? Will i ever share that again with anyone else? If only i could have a divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.
We have once again returned to new beginnings on the Native American medicine wheel. Just as the sun rises from the East each day….. Our new beginning on this cyclical journey called “Life” opens each of us up to new ideas, new relationships, new passions. I feel the excitement of the impending newness of my journey. Something from within me bursts forth with eagerness and great anticipation of things about to unfold ; some of them yet unwritten.
Next week I begin my “Master Gardening” program at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Working soil and growing things offers me so much peace of mind and joy. From this program i will be volunteering in various area of gardening around my community. New friends to be met who share my passion for gardening…. New connections with my local area will most definately bring me more exciting projects and discoveries about myself and this beautiful world around me. More chances to work outdoors… A great understanding and honing of current skills only adding more quality to my already blessed life!
I believe that 2015 will offer new adventures with our recycled wood business DharmaWood. Our website should be up and running soon and we have new festivals and art events to show our work. I am feeling the urge to stretch myself to learn more regarding woodcraft. New useful and beautiful products for our life that promote the art of recycling, upcycling, repurposing , etc.
I do hope to run just ONE more marathon this year. I have said many times that “this will be my last marathon” yet i feel the need to push beyond and challenge myself as another cycle closes and a new one opens. Running is a meditation in itself as you spend great amounts of time on distance courses with only yourself and maybe a playlist of music or the sounds of the world around you to keep you company. Its guaranteed time for “me”. Guaranteed time absent of obligation to others. I always gain so much strength and perseverance throughout my training.
A renewed spirit behind my passion for writing wells up from a place inside me i cannot describe. Dancing through pages of words that connect the world together with emotion, understanding, discovery, inspiration makes me feel like im growing brighter and more full as i soar along this magical carpet ride.Expression. The art of sharing one’s heart through words, the humbling act of making oneself vulnerable through the revealing of the secrets inside us ….it adds to the magic of connection, making room for stronger vibrations to the goodness of life in all of us. It all amazes me still after all these years.
New ambitions yet to be imagined by you and by me for that one spark to ignite life forth from the place of endless possibilities brings me goosebumps upon the thought! All things arise from thought. Thought is connected to all we feel. And so the circle goes on.
I myself accept the challenge of embracing all new beginnings carved out especially for me and invite others to consider the challenge as well! A clear , blank canvas stands before us all here at this place of New beginnings. We begin however we choose and imagine whatever we like! Every color, every shade is free for the taking so that we may paint our world as unimaginable as we can imagine! Cheers to 2015 and all of its unfolding! Cheers to your “New Beginnings” and mine. 🙂
My one thing is to be able to let it all go right here! Noone has FORCED me neglect my choice for solace. I have chosen to put everything in front of my desires to sit and express. However can this student ever get anywhere if I refuse to get out of the gate? I notice that i have grown a bit too cynical at times and its not my preferred way:) Getting stuck in such a place can make it all to easy to neglect time for yourself. Never give up. truly. Who am i talking to? me? or you? I figure I am talking to myself and this has strangely made it easier for me to release anything. I have resolved to put forth much more effort to taking a few moments to gift myself this little peace. Please do not ever take anything i say or anyone else ever says TOO seriously…after all , its only a passing glance of the big picture. Of all i might think to say about a new year on the new moon…….i mostly wish to express that i am paying more attention now and i delight in all that i am about to enjoy! I have been all over the place it seems this past year and i am now learning to stand still and listen more. It is ok to be good to YOU!!
Is this my answered prayer? Your surgery being moved back a few more weeks. I did not pray for your cold although I think that was Goddess showing a bit of humor….Just Kidding. (kind of)
Yes YOU! Go ahead and chuckle to yourself at the thought. It is true. Modern day keeps lying to you in an effort to keep you dependent on Big Corporations for all they sell that promises you guaranteed happiness. Our world is being brainwashed and its so pervasive the majority does not recognize it is happening. You are told creamy white skin is the best and so you grow up through everyones eyes as “unfortunate” for your olive skin. You then are told that TAN is beauty and all the world turns their heads from creamy white to tan everytime someone passes by. Check them out. look at that pretty skin! Keep them distracted. That is the secret potion. distraction. keep them feeling in great need of everything you sell then they will forget to think for themselves. The greatest weapon of all is convincing everyone that there is no problem. NO global food crisis. No global warming. No economic timebomb. No problem with the level of insecurity and lack of sacredness for the human spirit. Keep everyone sucked in to instagram with all of its photoshopped pics and twitter and tumblr and facebook and farmville and pandora and youtube and text messaging…..Keep everyone feelin inadequate and distracted and in need. But i want you to know that you NEED nothing as you are truly a marvel all your own. Without the help of Aeropostale or CoolWater cologne or creamy foundation or rayban sunglasses or Ugg boots or a blasted iphone in your possession. Snap out of it! Noone on tv is prettier or more valuable or worthy of more adoration than YOU! NO they are NOT! It is time we break the cycle of lies and negative propaganda against humankind in order to perpetuate the monster of consumerism destroying harmony of everyone and everything in its path. It is so much deeper of an infiltration than the highly distracted population comprehends. I see mothers putting their children on fatfree milk diets at eleven because they notice their once petite 7 year old daughter is now getting some cushion on her bones. I see fathers showing favoritism to their skinny daughters because society deems her more acceptable. Families let siblings taunt the child less like everyone else and defends and lavishes the child who fits the mold of conformity better. Less than 200 years ago if a woman weighed 120 or less than you were considered unappealling because noone wanted to marry a woman who might die in childbirth. Fragile women never allowed people to prosper. Women with meat on their bones didnt easily fall sick when a virus passed through town.If she got sick she had a better chance of survival because she had a stronger body to handle the ailment.Science has proven that rounded curves on a woman has a positive affect on small babies. Tiny petite girls were usually unhealthy girls or slaves who didnt get enough to eat or worked so hard they could not keep weight on their bodies. The history of mankind shows the more unique , the more individual and daring the person, the greater the history they make. Stop trying to see beauty through the eyes of the matrix. Beauty is that light of hope and desire and dreams and longings that burn with inside you. Beauty is that bravery you tap into from the core of your being to stand up on your own when everyone else tries so hard to conform and be like everyone else. HOw much time gets wasted in ones life worrying about how they look to others? The view from where you stand in regards to yourself is always gonna be only one sided. You are never gonna see a full view of yourself. Especially not in a mirror. There is a passion inside you that speaks to you on sleepness nights. It comes to you in your dreams. You are distracted by it more than all the worlds distractions. Your true beauty is finding the nobility within yourself to live beyond the superficial judgement of others to implement your passion into your life. If your passion requires you to stand alone then let go of fear and stand. Be the difference around you that you KNOW you can be just by being you. Teach your children to follow their heart instead of the expectations of others. Teach eachother…and yourself that your beauty is not what everyone SEES just by looking at you. I am appalled that the latest trend is to have a totally waxed or shaven pubic area. WTF? NOw young teen men are learning to look only for this as a criteria for a significant relationship.Next year when pubic hair is back in fashion then all the poor saps who got permanent hair removal are gonna be feeling scammed. Young men still learning about themselves who eventually find interest in the opposite sex are being brainwashed as they watch their fathers addiction to porn unfold. Dads are no longer teaching their sons to respect their mommas or other women. They think its cool to be a Dad who makes crude jokes about females to their sons as if they are bonding. In todays world, Dads no longer have to even have a speaking relationship with their sons, the sons learn just by watching . Everytime you habitually turn your head to check out some females ass as she walks by , you teach him to be the same way. you show him where the value of a woman lies in your heart and mind.Everytime you turn your head to check out some female in front of your own wife you tell her and the woman who sees you checking her out that woman are only as valuable as the immediate pleasure her body can offer a man. You tell your wife that your devotion is only as strong as the next half naked sexually explicit video you can find. You devalue every female by your lack of mindfullness to how your behavior affects people that see you whom you do not realize are even watching. You spread that primitive carnal imprisonment out to the masses around you. Everytime a mother makes her daughter feel ashamed of herself for not being as perfect as her momma always wanted to be than the mother teaches the daughter that her value ONLY lies in the acceptance of others.Everytime a momma fails to tell her child that they are beautiful just as they are, A magical shade all their own making the rainbow of the world all that more miraculous, that momma fails herself and the growth of all women and the men capable of learning good things from such beautiful women. Where are the brave ones willing to speak and live the truth our children need to learn? The mothers and the fathers and the grandfathers and the Aunts that say to live by way of honor and TRUTH even if I fail in this task or my example as a role model is unsatisfactory. We have arrived in this place of great discovery and invention by asking questions outside of the immediate view of our world. Imagining all that has not yet been made known is truly a beautiful thing. Dare i challenge everyone to stop blowing smoke up your kids asses for things in which they had no responsible contribution? I hear people saying how pretty or cute the baby is far more than hearing how loved or special or unique they are. Why is that? All children are special and good and loved. Even if that love is undiscovered for the moment.(some kids have to wait til adulthood to find this love)My daughter said to me a few years ago that until everyone started telling her otherwise she always thought she was beautiful and sweet. I happened to be completely present for a change when she said this and the force behind her words was felt as if suddenly i was driving in sand. It saddened me. I see how women and their daughters carry themselves as if the whole world is evaluating them and they are afraid of being seen with any imperfection. I went to Jamaica a few weeks ago and spent a few days at clothing optional resort. I was nearly the only woman on that beach with real breasts. I was shocked to see even OLD women with breast implants! Until you convince yourself of your innate beauty, how ever will you be able to set an example for all other females around you to love themselves for their innate beauty? I have been told thousands of times how beautiful i am. MOst of those times had absolutely NOTHING to do with who i am. It can be a very lonely place when you are spiritually, socially,intellectually, emotionally surrounded by strangers. Most people do not even know me. They do not want to. They do not want to truly know anyone more than a basic level. Because truly getting to know anyone often times puts people in a position of gauging themselves in comparison to another and this gauging stirs up discomfort they have been programmed to do everything to AVOID. It is easier to fit in and blend in rather than to stand out for the intense fear everyone carries of having to endure the judgement of others. We want to be accepted. Everyone does. You will find , that if you accept yourself for the beautiful individual that you are , you will lose focus of everyone else and their judgements. You find so much more of the world that does not judge you or disagree with you. You learn to live through your own heart and for your own dreams rather than for the acceptance of others. You will find yourself blossoming regardless of whether your breasts are acceptable or your image is acceptable. You will find and begin to exude your natural “glow” . What i can never understand is, how we all learn as we grow up that the star of the show always fades out over time as they have been given so much false recognition, they learn not how to reach for anything more. Yet everyone wants to BE that STAR and recieve THEIR star treatment knowing thats probably gonna be the highlight of their unfulfilling The truth behind all the lies is that even the”flashy” or people who seem to always be in the limelight, unless they find intimacy with life and others and themselves, they will always be lonely unless in the company of one of their adoring fans. Unless you depend on the love inside you to guide you rather than the twisted primitive expectations of the world around you then you shall always fight loneliness . You will need to be the center of attention. You will not handle intimacy with too many outsiders because you cannot handle your own intense competitiveness in the company of others who might take away your center stage. You forget how to search for yourself and you spend your whole life expecting things from others to keep you fulfilled. You stand for nothing other than what you look like and how you appear to the world around you.Its hard for you to accept others joy around you because you have not found a way to rest comfortably within your own joy. You could risk a very unfulfilling life by stepping in this trap like the rest of everyone around you or you could think for yourself and follow your true inner passions and allow your true inner beauty to shine forth. Like a rippling wave your light will affect everything it touches. Making the world as bright and beautiful as you only adds to the beauty in us all. It all sounds better on paper but nothing is harmed by testing the notion. I dare ya to give it a try. Let your light shine!