Is this my answered prayer? Your surgery being moved back a few more weeks. I did not pray for your cold although I think that was Goddess showing a bit of humor….Just Kidding. (kind of)
Yes YOU! Go ahead and chuckle to yourself at the thought. It is true. Modern day keeps lying to you in an effort to keep you dependent on Big Corporations for all they sell that promises you guaranteed happiness. Our world is being brainwashed and its so pervasive the majority does not recognize it is happening. You are told creamy white skin is the best and so you grow up through everyones eyes as “unfortunate” for your olive skin. You then are told that TAN is beauty and all the world turns their heads from creamy white to tan everytime someone passes by. Check them out. look at that pretty skin! Keep them distracted. That is the secret potion. distraction. keep them feeling in great need of everything you sell then they will forget to think for themselves. The greatest weapon of all is convincing everyone that there is no problem. NO global food crisis. No global warming. No economic timebomb. No problem with the level of insecurity and lack of sacredness for the human spirit. Keep everyone sucked in to instagram with all of its photoshopped pics and twitter and tumblr and facebook and farmville and pandora and youtube and text messaging…..Keep everyone feelin inadequate and distracted and in need. But i want you to know that you NEED nothing as you are truly a marvel all your own. Without the help of Aeropostale or CoolWater cologne or creamy foundation or rayban sunglasses or Ugg boots or a blasted iphone in your possession. Snap out of it! Noone on tv is prettier or more valuable or worthy of more adoration than YOU! NO they are NOT! It is time we break the cycle of lies and negative propaganda against humankind in order to perpetuate the monster of consumerism destroying harmony of everyone and everything in its path. It is so much deeper of an infiltration than the highly distracted population comprehends. I see mothers putting their children on fatfree milk diets at eleven because they notice their once petite 7 year old daughter is now getting some cushion on her bones. I see fathers showing favoritism to their skinny daughters because society deems her more acceptable. Families let siblings taunt the child less like everyone else and defends and lavishes the child who fits the mold of conformity better. Less than 200 years ago if a woman weighed 120 or less than you were considered unappealling because noone wanted to marry a woman who might die in childbirth. Fragile women never allowed people to prosper. Women with meat on their bones didnt easily fall sick when a virus passed through town.If she got sick she had a better chance of survival because she had a stronger body to handle the ailment.Science has proven that rounded curves on a woman has a positive affect on small babies. Tiny petite girls were usually unhealthy girls or slaves who didnt get enough to eat or worked so hard they could not keep weight on their bodies. The history of mankind shows the more unique , the more individual and daring the person, the greater the history they make. Stop trying to see beauty through the eyes of the matrix. Beauty is that light of hope and desire and dreams and longings that burn with inside you. Beauty is that bravery you tap into from the core of your being to stand up on your own when everyone else tries so hard to conform and be like everyone else. HOw much time gets wasted in ones life worrying about how they look to others? The view from where you stand in regards to yourself is always gonna be only one sided. You are never gonna see a full view of yourself. Especially not in a mirror. There is a passion inside you that speaks to you on sleepness nights. It comes to you in your dreams. You are distracted by it more than all the worlds distractions. Your true beauty is finding the nobility within yourself to live beyond the superficial judgement of others to implement your passion into your life. If your passion requires you to stand alone then let go of fear and stand. Be the difference around you that you KNOW you can be just by being you. Teach your children to follow their heart instead of the expectations of others. Teach eachother…and yourself that your beauty is not what everyone SEES just by looking at you. I am appalled that the latest trend is to have a totally waxed or shaven pubic area. WTF? NOw young teen men are learning to look only for this as a criteria for a significant relationship.Next year when pubic hair is back in fashion then all the poor saps who got permanent hair removal are gonna be feeling scammed. Young men still learning about themselves who eventually find interest in the opposite sex are being brainwashed as they watch their fathers addiction to porn unfold. Dads are no longer teaching their sons to respect their mommas or other women. They think its cool to be a Dad who makes crude jokes about females to their sons as if they are bonding. In todays world, Dads no longer have to even have a speaking relationship with their sons, the sons learn just by watching . Everytime you habitually turn your head to check out some females ass as she walks by , you teach him to be the same way. you show him where the value of a woman lies in your heart and mind.Everytime you turn your head to check out some female in front of your own wife you tell her and the woman who sees you checking her out that woman are only as valuable as the immediate pleasure her body can offer a man. You tell your wife that your devotion is only as strong as the next half naked sexually explicit video you can find. You devalue every female by your lack of mindfullness to how your behavior affects people that see you whom you do not realize are even watching. You spread that primitive carnal imprisonment out to the masses around you. Everytime a mother makes her daughter feel ashamed of herself for not being as perfect as her momma always wanted to be than the mother teaches the daughter that her value ONLY lies in the acceptance of others.Everytime a momma fails to tell her child that they are beautiful just as they are, A magical shade all their own making the rainbow of the world all that more miraculous, that momma fails herself and the growth of all women and the men capable of learning good things from such beautiful women. Where are the brave ones willing to speak and live the truth our children need to learn? The mothers and the fathers and the grandfathers and the Aunts that say to live by way of honor and TRUTH even if I fail in this task or my example as a role model is unsatisfactory. We have arrived in this place of great discovery and invention by asking questions outside of the immediate view of our world. Imagining all that has not yet been made known is truly a beautiful thing. Dare i challenge everyone to stop blowing smoke up your kids asses for things in which they had no responsible contribution? I hear people saying how pretty or cute the baby is far more than hearing how loved or special or unique they are. Why is that? All children are special and good and loved. Even if that love is undiscovered for the moment.(some kids have to wait til adulthood to find this love)My daughter said to me a few years ago that until everyone started telling her otherwise she always thought she was beautiful and sweet. I happened to be completely present for a change when she said this and the force behind her words was felt as if suddenly i was driving in sand. It saddened me. I see how women and their daughters carry themselves as if the whole world is evaluating them and they are afraid of being seen with any imperfection. I went to Jamaica a few weeks ago and spent a few days at clothing optional resort. I was nearly the only woman on that beach with real breasts. I was shocked to see even OLD women with breast implants! Until you convince yourself of your innate beauty, how ever will you be able to set an example for all other females around you to love themselves for their innate beauty? I have been told thousands of times how beautiful i am. MOst of those times had absolutely NOTHING to do with who i am. It can be a very lonely place when you are spiritually, socially,intellectually, emotionally surrounded by strangers. Most people do not even know me. They do not want to. They do not want to truly know anyone more than a basic level. Because truly getting to know anyone often times puts people in a position of gauging themselves in comparison to another and this gauging stirs up discomfort they have been programmed to do everything to AVOID. It is easier to fit in and blend in rather than to stand out for the intense fear everyone carries of having to endure the judgement of others. We want to be accepted. Everyone does. You will find , that if you accept yourself for the beautiful individual that you are , you will lose focus of everyone else and their judgements. You find so much more of the world that does not judge you or disagree with you. You learn to live through your own heart and for your own dreams rather than for the acceptance of others. You will find yourself blossoming regardless of whether your breasts are acceptable or your image is acceptable. You will find and begin to exude your natural “glow” . What i can never understand is, how we all learn as we grow up that the star of the show always fades out over time as they have been given so much false recognition, they learn not how to reach for anything more. Yet everyone wants to BE that STAR and recieve THEIR star treatment knowing thats probably gonna be the highlight of their unfulfilling The truth behind all the lies is that even the”flashy” or people who seem to always be in the limelight, unless they find intimacy with life and others and themselves, they will always be lonely unless in the company of one of their adoring fans. Unless you depend on the love inside you to guide you rather than the twisted primitive expectations of the world around you then you shall always fight loneliness . You will need to be the center of attention. You will not handle intimacy with too many outsiders because you cannot handle your own intense competitiveness in the company of others who might take away your center stage. You forget how to search for yourself and you spend your whole life expecting things from others to keep you fulfilled. You stand for nothing other than what you look like and how you appear to the world around you.Its hard for you to accept others joy around you because you have not found a way to rest comfortably within your own joy. You could risk a very unfulfilling life by stepping in this trap like the rest of everyone around you or you could think for yourself and follow your true inner passions and allow your true inner beauty to shine forth. Like a rippling wave your light will affect everything it touches. Making the world as bright and beautiful as you only adds to the beauty in us all. It all sounds better on paper but nothing is harmed by testing the notion. I dare ya to give it a try. Let your light shine!
I would UNSAY soo many of the things i have said in my life. I have been told as a small child from the extreme right wing church bunch, that because everything comes from thought, if you think of doing things wrong, than it is as if you have actually committed the wrong. But the truth comes after all these years, that it is FAR better to let the thoughts rest in your mind sometimes than to release them into the world verbally. I do not give a rats fanny about what Dr. Phil thinks about it. I will never trust a man who wears foundation on tv. HOw highly evolved and insightful can one really be if he is so caught up in representing a facade through his outward appearance? I digress. Pay attention to everyone around you. Stop zoning out in your own little view of the path for yourself and your family. We are ALL a part of your path. Especially if you are actually reading this. I expect i am talking to myself which allows more ease to tap into whats really eating me as i blog through it. It works. Go figure. So what am i thinking about this time??
I am thinking about what i am feeling and wanting to express aloud in this moment. I know for certain of only one thing. That everything changes. Putting words to my thoughts is unstable because no matter how strongly i feel about something right now, i will ultimately change my mind as time passes. Even if only in some small way…i will change. Whether i want to or not. HOw does one find peace however, in resolving through words things that are on our mind? Meditation? maybe. I haven’t made it there yet. How do i foster and nurture a stronger relationship in my marriage if i cannot discuss what is on my mind? It can be difficult letting troublesome thoughts rest in our minds without our feelings getting attached and spread the vibe of the discomfort from our thoughts throughout our body. My husband can tell if something is troubling me. He expresses true concern yet when he opens the floor for discussion its as if he is now offended about my position when i tell him what is on my heart. There is a craft one must learn i suspect in balancing the delicate scales of discussion of opportunities for growth and of the speaking of extraneous matter which distracts us of the main issue at hand. What am i trying to say? The half minded population ,like myself(totally mindful is the zen state yes? Nirvana? I surely only qualify as something beyond asleep and void of soul however you word it)at least sees the obviousness of some things being better left unsaid but some things fall into a grey area. In expressing myself to my husband I speak of things on my heart , yet i know not how to excise the flashing(extranneous potentially misinterpreted words) of content that distracts him from hearing my heart and understanding where i am coming from .Or at least making him less able to empathize with me. If i can be aware of this then surely i must be able to better master or maneuver this maze of mysteries in the field of relationships?If i say that his complacency is creating an issue , all he hears is that i called him” complacent” then he hears it as “lazy”. I want to say things like”Could you snap out of your zone for a moment to share a few minutes in conversation with me about the day?” I start out in the beginning of this small issue in our relationship by saying things like” i missed you today…come talk to me” or “Tell me about your day!” Over time one grows weary of always initiating this interaction and eventually i actually somehow say ” Unless something is entertaining or deemed worthy of your time then you just sit and zone out with solitaire or facebook”. like a vomit thy blech spills… take away emotion. Let all of it go somewhere else. exhale it. release it. Remind yourself that you both chose to love each other in spite of all the shortcomings you both bring to the table. Love bears all things. Now I have said ” You drive me crazy but i put up with it because i truly love you” You can pretty much surmise that this statement was NOT recieved well. How can i get this in my mind, but trip over myself when put it into action?? It would have went over much smoother had i chose to say”love bears all things” or simply said nothing at all. Because i would not be in this moment for long and if only i could let it pass in silence then perhaps it would have been like any other random passing moment? relatively uneventful. Then when the time came for my mind to move on and my heart to move and which altered the frequency of my vibe, i wouldnt have to do damage control over good intentions and my efforts to bring my relationships closer. ugh. I have learned that being right is never really a goal to strive for in a relationship. When one learns to let go and truly accept another for all the easy and not so easy then one learns to dispose of the “right ” thought altogether and just focus on the now between the harmony. Dare i say”lesson learned” ?
I dreamt of you last nite. I do not remember any part of it except you were in it. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. I desperately want you to reconsider the surgery. You do not have breast cancer. Sure BRCA II positive gene adds a little concern for me but not enough to volunteer a double mastectomy. To me, breast cancer is not any more scary than driving on the interstate with all these texting maniacs behind the wheel. Anything that comes out of my mouth is gonna sound like i am trying to talk you out of it. What kind of friend would i be if i were not totally supportive of your choice here to remove both your breast simply because you have a positive gene and your Dad died from breast cancer?? It is not my body so i am out of line to suggest you are being consumed by unnecessary fear. This is one of those moments in a persons life when you are gonna prove what kind of friend you really are. I would expect you to trust my decision and also to trust that i did not come to my decision lightly. I would need you to support my position. So here i am feeling like i am doing a poor job at playing this role with you. You are so priceless to me that its incredibly hard for me to imagine strangers/doctors cutting off part of your body when you have not been diagnosed with cancer. As awesome as doctors can be , they do not operate mindfully and intentionally. They are brainwashed by the medical industry. Today’s healthcare system does not even recognize the benefits of alternative medicine or homeopathic remedies for what ails us. You are texting me now and im so emotional right now i want to scream. I am also struggling to not let this affect how i interact with everyone else around me. I can briefly mention i am heading up North to be with you as you are having surgery but noone around me immediately processes much of this information and to keep this in mind when i am not myself, is just not a common habit in this culture. A less politically correct way of saying might be that they are zombies. If you elected to change your mind and not have the surgery, then should some unfortunate news of a lump find you in the future you have a high survival rate even with a lumpectomy. You mentioned to me that if something happened to Bruce down the road then you may have to face breast cancer alone. This is so NOT true. It feels to me like you are taking alot of “what-if’s” and picking the worst case scenario’s and creating fear within yourself. Its ok to be afraid. But to let fear control our lives and the choices we make does not serve anyone in a positive manner. What if you get an infection from the surgery and it attacks your immune system. You have taken so many antibiotics over the years that it will tax your body to the core to expose so much surface area of your chest to germs in the air during the operation. It is equally trying for me to come to terms with the idea that you are so worried about getting deathly sick yet you would have implants put in afterward to reconstruct your breast. The ones you have are perfectly fine. No cancer. just a positive gene presence. Will there ever be words or a way for me to let you know how much i love you to the very core of MY being? I believe ALL things are connected. This places a higher expectation in my mind of doctors to be aware of this and prayerfully operate. But ONLY when every effort to AVOID surgery has been exhausted first! So invasive, To volunteer the transition one goes thru of seeing their body all scarred up, to go through the emotional transition as well as what your husband will face, to put yourself through the pain and the recovery, the synthetic drugs and chemicals that will be used from now until you are healed, to face complications that may arise noone can see right now, all without any diagnosis of cancer to me is mind boggling. My position is to trust in the wholeness i was created to experience. I know you are not me and i am not you. We are so very close it feels as if we are one yet i realize you have a path that does not always include me. Perhaps in your heart but I have seen your beautiful face only once in years. I feel honored that you shared with me this part of your journey. In my selfishness i want you to see that you were designed to live a beautiful and bountiful life. Too many people buy into the notion that its just a part of life to fall apart as you age and expect you will be worse off than you are now. Many systems of faith expect us to believe in the existence of something we do not see and they cannot show us how to truly see this great entity that only they can help you understand but they expect you to carry this faith your whole life no matter how much it destroys the light inside you YET people as a whole should not expect their bodies to work satisfactorily while they are here? Why are we here? To simply work for someone all day nearly every day until we fall apart and die? It should be ok to ask these questions. Where did the question itself come from? My brain. Who put it there? Me? Not me. I found the thought but i certainly did not originally create the thought. Or did i? If we can create thought then surely we can envision and sustain through our mindset a vital and healthy life. Noone can foresee accidents that we may find ourselves in and facing injuries can change our whole lives. But if a gene can determine my whole future then i may as well bury my head in the sand with all the genes my family passed to me. Dying is a part of living. We are not guaranteed through a test that we will get cancer. But its a definite guarantee that we will all die one day. We will no longer be here. We do not truly know with our human minds where we will go or how it will all take place once we leave our physical bodies. There is much speculation about the moments after death and I have read many incredible stories about experiences that actually happened to people after they died and came back to life. I believe them. But each of their experience are not exactly the same. So noone truly knows how it all really happens until it happens to them. to you. to me. Does this all come down to some underlying fear of dying? I do wish you would consider my notions on healing ourselves and maintaining a healthy lifestlye and vital life throughout your whole life. Corporate America wants you to feel dependant on their healthcare. Their medicine. Their nursing homes. Their is a way to prevent the need for regular long term healthcare. Its great to have it but its not great to be so imbedded into it that your whole life is dependent on the medical world to keep you healthy. I am not suggesting my most beloved friend that you think this way. I just feel it is once again like the power of :”The Nothing” sweeping over the land . We are wiped out if we no longer think for ourselves or feel we can trust ourselves to maintain our own vitality. That is what a doctor should be there for. To prescribe proper diet adjustments for each symptom, or suggest links between issues goin on in ones life being linked to physical conditions, to offer the best opportunity and regimen to reach the best healing attainable. NO . Most doctors prescribe foreign meds they do not know much about as a solution to coping with different symptoms of illness. It is never about healing anymore to the medical establishment. How can so many people blindly trust people they do not even really know with their physical health and wellbeing? Again, i am not talking of this to accuse you. of any lack of careful consideration on your part. I am selfish where you are concerned and i want you to live forever. I will come up in ten days to be there with you. I hate that this is happening but i want to be there with you to pray over you and love you for a minute before i go back to my busy life hundreds of miles away. And spend another many years missing you and thinking of you and blogging to noone…as always talking to myself. Please do not have this surgery. You said that you have a peace about this that you cannot explain. If i said that to you i would truly expect you to trust in this . So i have remorse for my struggle as it appears i do not have peace and i should simply because you do. I want to. I am sorry that i am not more evolved than i could be for you. I again learn great medicine from you beautiful woman. So i will honor you by giving my best effort towards trust that all things happen as they will and we can only allow ourselves to be ok with whatever “is”. My gift to you is that i am going to be ok as i know you would be for me, Tiquiero mucho .
I swear with nearly all of me that the zombie apocalypse has already begun when i see more people around me with eyes glazed over everytime you try to speak to them. It wasn’t on the agenda for the day. It seems as if people allot themselves enough brain energy for the tasks they have mindfully planned out and beyond this agenda, any new dialogue or deviation in the program of events today will only add confusion to the poor saps. What am i speaking in regards to you ask? Currently my beef is the public school system. I may have mentioned in my last blog about the muggle world, that I have a severe disenchantment with the system as a whole. The government controls the education of our children and therefore can have more say into telling us as tax paying adults , how to live. The latest insult was when the school bus drove past my house, stopped briefly to tell my daughter(who doesn’t even want to be there anyway) that her bus was full and she could not take Isabella to school that day. She drove off just before i pulled back into our drive to find my child still standing there. I have to drive my middle school daughter a mile away from my house to the nearest bus stop because the mile walk has no sidewalks or even a shoulder for anyone to walk on and being that its just over the county line, there will be no sidewalks anytime soon. This makes the road far too dangerous for my children to walk home through. The “not so funny” twist is that the high school kids get dropped off after the middle school bus runs. The high school bus has to stop at the same location as the middle school bus. The high school bus driver will drop off the kids at that main bus stop and passes my house on her way back to the school or home to return the bus so she doesn’t make my high school daughter walk that last mile(just shy of a mile)she drives her to my home on the same route and drops her off. Along that drive she passes my middles school child walking to my house. I asked her if my youngest could just wait at the bus stop when she is dropped off at the end of the school day and then get on her bus as she takes my elder daughter home. She stated that she isn’t supposed to take LaLa home as its an unscheduled stop and therefore she cannot pick up my youngest and let her ride with to my house. The irony of the whole thing is that she is the one who nearly runs my kid over everyday driving my other child home!! The particular school i refer to is a few miles away from my home here in South Knoxville, TN. I only say this because anyone who gets a hankerin to inquire about this rotten school can easily look it up now. hehe. This is hands down the worst school in the the entire area. My children went from a smaller country school then to private school , then homeschool and straight on to detention….i mean South Doyle. I am sure it was named after some white man redneck who killed a bunch of Indians back in the day and made all his kin proud so he became famous for shooting a bunch of innocent people in order to establish his white family here in East TN. ugh. Tn has mentality all its own. If half of what comes out of the mouths of people here in TN came out of the mouths of people up north or out west , it would most likely be on the evening news and the companies would be under investigation or scrutiny with the watchful eye being the public. Here in TN, you can be as rude as you want or as shady as you feel by abusing even a small amount of power like working the photo booth at the DMV for example and because you have been there forever you are guaranteed that position as long as you show up for work everyday. Tennesseeans’ by and large are kind and welcoming people. That is because most of them now have transplanted from somewhere else.I digress. The first day of the high school year, i walk into my daughters school office and everyone looks like they have been drafted to be there. The only job where you get an entire summer off and your first day back you are already miserable and pounded out negative vibes??? One should be at least required to smile when greeting the public each morning at such a place of employment. LaLa’s first day of her senior year in a school where she knows noone, she began her unfortunate experience that day by being dragged from one end of the school to the other five times by all the teachers and staff telling her where she should go. Noone seemed to know. By the time she figured out where she truly was supposed to be it was the first room she went to that morning. The teacher nonchalantly passed it off as no big deal that she sent LaLa on a wild goose chase by saying she wasn’t assigned to her room. Being a new student should entitle one to some sort of guidance or special assistance as a welcoming to the new school. Every teacher assumed she has been to the school before and expected her to know the schools policies and customs as well as all the staff on her first day. Not one single high school teacher had enough environmental awareness to see that by LaLa’s confusion she might be a new student. We teach our kids that there are no such things as bad questions.Even in our adult world we still train our workers with this concept in order that they may be fully informed and properly informed so as to minimize or avoid mistakes that might lead to injury or whatever. But in this high school (and the middle school carrying the same name) you can be sure you will get scolded or insulted or even cussed at if you ask questions. Most of the time in my experience it has been that the teachers get insulted at my children for asking questions that seem simple or trivial to the teacher. Well if you a new student then you are left to ask the questions or ask find out from other students(this leaving you much more susceptible to getting in trouble for talking when you shouldn’t)My youngest daughter was asked if she was on drugs by a teacher in her first week of school because she asked him a question that insulted him. After a few days of this guy talking to my youngest daughter this way, he finally yelled out that she acts like she had never been there before. She finally stated to him that she was a brand new student to the school and the county. He was surprised. From then on he was much nicer to her and after a few weeks all the teachers realized that my daughter was a very well behaved student who actually participated in the class. She did the work. She was smart. Everything changed for her. LaLa was not surely so lucky. it seems when you speak out against the system to the staff of an institution who has become married to their job, the whole school flares up its ego and defends eachother rather than try to remedy the situation. I wrote a note to one of the teachers within the first week of school and since that day she has made it her personal mission to tease my daughter and talk against her in front of the whole class. Instead of realizing that my request may have had some validity to it. She had been basically expecting the students to sit and watch some film and complete a worksheet as the answers were presented in the film. After it was over she noticed most of the students had not finished the worksheet so she gave all the answers to everyone so they could fill in the assignment and turn it in. Personal finance became a required course for seniors for a reason.l Because so many young people are clueless about thier own personal finance and upon graduation , they tend to max out credit cards and find themselves unable sustain themselves financially in the adult world. Many kids ruin their credit shortly after becoming old enough to establish it. My daughter would come into her class and someone would comment on how much they liked her outfit ….the teacher would speakout in front of the whole class by saying LaLa was in the wrong decade in regards to the compliment a student made. Totally inappropriate. LaLa wants to be successful. Her Daddy only sees success as perfection in physical fitness and making lots of money and wearing the right labeled clothes. She carries so much pressure already to measure up to his impossible standards. Being a brand new student in your senior year and having no friends has got to be one of the most unfair parts of being a teenager. She is so amazing. This school does not foster anyones positive attitude. It does not encourage creative expression. It is a sinking ship consumed by stress over the terrible attendance by teachers and students. How can anyone expect decent results from a school and its staff members who cannot even see the importance of showing up? This makes sense to me. But by focusing only on attendance or tardiness is not the solution. This school is so preoccupied by these such numbers and improving them that they forgot about everything else. A student could be getting all A’s in school but if they are tardy even once they get in-school suspension. As long as the kids show up on time they can glide by everyday in this school because the teachers will feed them the answers in order to keep up numbers. The numbers decline then teachers jobs are at risk. The students may not be learning anything but the numbers look better. My daugher went from zero to failing in her AP English course because the teacher gave the students their first three grades from assignments they completed the previous year. Since LaLa was not at this school the previous then she had to recieve three zeros which brought her grade to a zero and school had only been in session for ONE WEEK! The instructor said it was a county wide policy and there was nothing she could do about it.
Against my personal convictions, I recently enrolled my two youngest daughters in public school. They had been homeschooled by me the previous school year. I think i need to start back a little before this to better paint the picture. I used to live in a county an hour east of where i live now. But a new marriage brought my new home here to the city. My girls had been attending a school system since elementary school in this county. I was their momma and felt that they should come live with me fulltime (though we had equal custody..a whole other story)and go to school near my home. I had all girls and it had been a battle dealing with my ex in regards to the needs of three girls. Especially needs he saw of no importance. He is a highly critical and pessimistic individual. This made it hard for my girls to talk to him and get things they needed. Deodorant is a need in this culture we live in but it is heavily laden with chemicals(the big culprit of alzheimers disease is Alum, aluminum) and he and i both had strong opinions against that stuff for the girls. The all natural aluminum free kind is much more expensive and with three daughters and myself using (Bobo wasn’t old enough yet but soon would be)the product its outrageous to keep in stock let alone sanitary napkins and such. He wouldn’t get them any for a long time so i was left to buy extra to send with them. Stocking two homes takes nearly an extra income to just keep up with girly needs if you can only imagine. We go the all natural route as much as possible but the cost is enormous. I digress. With constant little battles about this stuff continuously going on its understandable why Bobo and Lala wanted to live with me. His intense efforts to avoid any child support costs kept him fervently antagonistic about them moving schools. Our eldest daughter was already graduated high school and working towards college. Where she lived was her choice. Lala was in high school and it was understood that a court would recognize her as old enough to decide where she wanted to live. She felt in the middle. I didn’t want her to feel like that so i tried my best to let her make the choice on her own feeling no anxiety about me regarding her decision. But being an hour away , i would not be able to see her very often. She hated that school and begged me to take her out but she felt like she was choosing between parents who she had spent equal time with most her life. She has a big heart and though she hated being around him most of the time also, she loved him and didn’t want him to be alone. Amelia being much younger was the final factor. Ultimately, we settled out of court in order to keep the courts from seperating me from my children (judge was giving ex favor for keeping kids in same county school system as they had been there for so long regardless of what my girls wanted)and i agreed that Bella could stay there fulltime and go to school there and Amelia would come with me and we would get them time to spend together when we could. The ex would not allow me to put them in public schools if i wanted to settle because he had his mind set that the school system was much more violent and badly managed because we lived in the city. Well the school system we were moving from made more teen moms and alcoholics than they made college students and its still booming epidemic. He knew the school had let us down where our daughter had been but he would stop at nothing to set up a lifestyle of total convenience for himself rather than hear the heart of our middle child and how unhappy she was in this school. So Lala stayed in the high school she started in and little bit was put in an overpriced Montessori school halfway between both our homes. I was far more emotional about it than anyone and i felt more unheard and misunderstood than i had in a long time. But i put my best foot forward and tried to approach it with strength and optimism. As time went by Lala realized she should have chosen to come with us. Daily her father would make rude inappropriate remarks about her substandard fitness level(in his eyes) or he would hurl harsh criticism at her when she tried to vent about her tough day. He lived much closer and had a better chance to go to the school and speak on Lala’s behalf but he continuously told her to take it like a man and buckup. The Montessori school was a good school but it was not without its faults as well. Very very expensives with constant fees for fieldtrips out of state and camping with the whole school etc etc. as well as a breeding ground for wealthier spoiled rotten kids who couldn’t be made to mind because their parents were paying customers. Bobo was hitting puberty full on and suddenly encountered acne and needed deodorant now also. Using the natural variety can require you reapply it once more in the middle of your day. Being little and new to this puberty thing Bobo didn’t always remember to reapply at lunch. One of the kids starting taunting her about it and making fun of her acne. Other kids had their issues also but again it seemed that the school would go to great lengths to massage everyone so as not to lose business. Ultimately, Bobo was made to just put up with it. I found out later their was this huge rumor by all the students that two of the teachers were having an affair together and using school fieldtrips to have their rendezvous time together. They were even caught by students alone together late at night in a hotel pool on one particular weeklong travel adventure. The female teacher was supposed to be the adult guardian in my daughters room and when she disappeared my daughter and her friends went looking for her. blah blah blah. The total bill for one years tuition minus fieldtrips and camp and stuff came to $13,000.00 and between both schools who were by law given the right to keep my children for 8 hours everyday yet doing a crappy job at truly educating them(other than the cruel and unjust side of things or people) I knew i could do at least a job good as or better than these schools and it wouldn’t cost me 13 grand to accomplish it. I had to think of something that would work so that i could advocate for Lala’s behalf regarding the issues with that rotten school as well as make it feasable for my ex to be open to it. He was easy to anger and once furled up i knew he wouldn’t be eager to work at a change at all. Bobo was up til midnight doing homework every single night and grew quickly disenchanted with such a heavy workload all year and wanted a change. She liked some aspects about the school and loved the unique things this private school offered but she wanted out. My new husband and I had been footing the entire bill on this school and with two daughters entering college the next fall , even with his decent income we didn’t know where the money would come from. Still sharing custody(lawyers fees became the deciding factor in our settling out of court though i wish i had been able to get primary with child support straight from the beginning) the best option i saw was homeschooling them(many new programs for online school and now TN has an online public school program) where we could split the time , the commute, everything right down the middle. Lala would be happy and Bobo could have a less aggressive approach to the homework load. I cannot remember how I managed to get this accomplished but somehow my ex felt it was a good idea too and agreed that we pull the girls and homeschool. Often, depending on his mood that day, he spoke of his disdain for much of the crazy priorities of this society as well as the poor morale and the poor examples of professionalism in the school my daughter did go to. HOWEVER, soon after we began teaching the girls at home he changed his mind and began tormenting them about how they will not amount to anything and will learn anything…..He was especially hard on Lala. She is built thick and voluptuous unlike my other two girls and myself who are petite and thin. She is absolutely beautiful. Her face, her eyes, her incredible spirit and sense of humor…even her name. She is highly artisistic and driven. Being a music man his whole life ,one would expect her Father to appreciate all her artistic qualities.she was in band and had a fantastic ability to draw, create nearly anything. She had a perfect 4.0 and perfect 100 percent track record until her last school (her art teacher bullied her and gave her a grade to ruin her perfect grades though we felt it was completely undeserved.) Nothing she could do would please her daddy because appearance were everything in his family and they also had issues with her regarding her solid physique and if they wouldnt completely accept her than he surely could not. He was still trying to gain their approval himself. she was more of a reason why he felt he couldn’t get the approval he desired from them. That is my guess anyway. I would try to talk to her as often as i could over the phone. What seemed to bother her most is missing her momma and being in our positive fun atmosphere. It was hard for her to hear that we would get snowed in and go tromping off on long hikes through our woods in the snow with boda bags filled with hot chocolate and returning half frozen to a toasty fire in the woodstove and homemade food and movies…or we would go out to dinner every now and then. Her little sister Bobo would get to go out with my friends for pizza and such or the friends of ours that Lala adored would visit regularly and she was never here to enjoy their company. His house had no life in it. He kept it cold and it was quiet and empty most of the time and he rarely had friends over. She LOVED homeschool and was excited about possibly getting snowed in and all the fun things we would do that fall. Even though he began a long school year of scathing remarks and negative comments , Lala was happy. Bobo was as well. The truth is noone supported us except a few of my friends who didnt come around the house real often. My new husband nor my exhusband could be bothered to help with homework . They both had math skills that soared above mine but never offered any assistance once. My husband would come home and ask me how much homeschool we did. My inlaws would visit and question me as if they were also concerned if my girls were getting a proper education. My life was so busy and i was burning the candle at both ends and tired of all the hurt feelings Lala had to work through (i was the only one that would listen to her) and just completely exhausted with the rest of the demands of my life so i relented. I devised a plan with Lala that if noone would help us or support us and everyone wanted to be this way then we would talk of public school only if Lala was given an awesome graduation party by her Daddy. She knew i would give her one. What she wanted more than anything was to travel the world. She wanted out. She was sick of her Daddy always saying how he may never get to see any of his children walk down the graduation aisle. He laid it on thick of his disappointment( our eldest got pregnant as a teen and graduated a semester early so they would let her walk the graduation ceremony) as if it didn’t hold as much value if she were to go through the exact same ceremony only through her homeschool based out of Chattanooga. He was there and saw the elaborate event our eldest daughter experienced when she graduated kindergarten through homeschool. The ceremony was held at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. I have never seen a high school graduation ceremony that glamorous. Anyway, the only way to quiet his mouth was to talk Lala into trying public school for her final year and graduation. Bobo had an increasingly hard time getting up during the day when homeschooled from staying up too late at night. Her studies were suffering and she made the choice to return to school as well because she felt if she were made to sit in a desk all day she would have no choice but to focus on her studies. She had deduced on her own that self motivation and a more lax school atmsophere were beyond her at that time. I told Lala that though she was going to a new school system in a new city that there was still good things waiting inside every challenge. With a positive attitude she could be anywhere and still be joyful. It was up to her. I let her know if she decided she could not take it any longer and wanted out that we would let her leave school. If everyone wanted to give us a hard time for this we would make them pay by throwing her a big party and by playing their game , Lala would be able to take her graduation money and go to Latvia or Sweden or where she wanted . Even if for a few weeks or the summer she could get out of the country . Enter: Lala /Senior Year/ public high school. omfg. What a headache. This is the part of my story where the adventure really begins. (in the next post though cause i have a client in an hour :)) (I swear though the way Lala tells her tales of each day would win contests if she were to blog about it. Hilarious.) til next time
So I do not know if i told you about my friend J. A few months ago, i happen to call her because she was heavy on my heart. No i didn’t. I sent her a text message as it was morning and i wasn’t sure if she was off her shift yet. She called me a few minutes later and I was so surprised to get her call that i immediately answered it. I remember her saying ” I am sooo glad you answered.” She told me that she had been having some issues for a little while but kept them to herself. Until recently, she was having intense dizzy spells . I think she mentioned a blackout episode while driving once also. The details of the conversation are blurry to me. She had told me that she had been in the hospital all night and they ran some test and found a mass in her brain. I of course made plans to head over to her house within the hour. I know there was nothing i could do but i could be with her and sit with her and listen to anything she needed a listening ear for. she told me that she had not told anyone anything yet because there was nothing to tell yet. This made perfect sense to me. She did not wish to alarm her only child Tara(22 i think) when she had almost no information. She knew it had to be serious on some level because it alerted her to go to the emergency room. This is not a common thing for Janelle to do. She had a tough exterior. I say “had” because i think its softening now. She wouldn’t dare let anyone know about her not feeling well either. Much less express her feelings about it. I personally feel responsible for not sharing with her that i think bottling up your feelings is detrimental to ones health. I feared she would not take it well and i did not wish to ripple waters with my feisty friend. I should have. I know better now to stand up more and to be more assertive. It was medicine that would have really helped her and perhaps having the knowledge may have prevented the illness she is battling now. After a massive ordeal getting clearance to get a good surgeon to look at her scans from the hospital, J found out that indeed there was a walnut size tumor in her brain. She was going to have surgery the next week. It all seemed to happening so fast it literally made my sight take a dizzy spin. It was not happening to me . I can only imagine what might have been going through her mind ya know? She is a nurse herself and has seen a great deal of sickness in her career. She was a medic for the green side for about ten years also in the military. I have told you about her before. She is the beautiful Cherokee woman with gorgeous blue eyes i told you about in the past? She was my supervisor when i first met her. She did my intake when i was hired at Royal Care. She is very strong yet very stubborn and loves to live on the edge and to roll with cats who are edgy as well. A single mother of one daughter(she was a teen mom)she worked many long hours and extra shifts at work. She related to me even though i was married at the time. Soon after beginning my work there my marriage took a major nosedive for the umteenth time and before i knew it , I was seperated and moving out . Meeting her at that time proved to be a blessing in disguise. We became close very quickly. She was smart and witty and beautiful and badass. Still is 🙂 She is about a year and a half older than me. I thought about her being my age as soon as she told me they were gonna take the brain tumor out. My vivid imagination was not much of a blessing for me at this moment that is for sure. The day before she was to have the operation, she had to get tests done and certain preparations at the hospital. I did not find this out til she was in surgery the next day but they found more cancer in her lung, her kidney, her lymph nodes and her face. This is the closest anything like this has really hit home for me. I have never been to a funeral. I have never lost anyone i loved through death yet. I have lost and grieved much loss and the death of relationships i wanted but this was totally a different thought for me to concieve in my mind. I realize more now than ever that my journey here is temporary. I knew this before all the recent events unfolding in J’s life but it still was tripping me out like i can not even express. I cried when i knew she was in surgery. I begged all my friends to quit smoking and start taking better care of themselves. Almost all of my besties are fatties who smoke and eat like shit and do not get their heart rate up outside of sexual activity. I know there are no guarantees of longevity. But i truly feel Cath that we are designed and created to live strong vital lives. I do not buy into this “i’m getting old so i just have to expect to fall apart” mentality.I am not old. Even when i am one hundred i will still be younger than a wink in time of all eternity. I fully plan to be as fit and vital as Jack Lalaine when i am an old hen.What is time anyway? I love what Moorjani says about it being nothing what we perceive it to be. She says there is no such thing as time. It all happens at the same time. at once. That all life, all things, all time are one. For where i am now in my life , this idea she proposes feels right to me. I do find comfort when meditating on this idea. J has done alot of research and investigating and came to the conclusion that chemo and radiation are just money making scandals and she was not going to take this road. I believe she wants the Gersohn(sp?) treatment. Different friends have been having various fundraisers for her to help pay for the cost of fighting her cancer however she needs to, feels to. I bought her the book Dying to Be Me that you recommended for my reading pleasure. I have been trying to hangout with her and of course willing to drive to wherever she is and bring her this powerful and inspiring book. Its been a futile effort. I even requested an address to mail her the book and a few other things i bought for her. I heard she is flying out today to Mexico today to get treated. I think she has been avoiding me because she cannot give up smoking and feels like i might judge her for it. I surely wouldn’t but i feel its my duty as her friend and sister to tell her its poison and she needs to stop. i never badger her about such choices. I am not sure really what is going on. I imagine getting this grave diagnosis comes with a whole new book of rules. I am sure she is busy trying to figure everything out but im insecure about everyone getting to talk to her. I do feel guilty for not attending the fundraiser events. But my life has been full and busy and planned out. Driving four hours to someones fundraiser for her all day is a huge commitment.I tell myself this but is this my way of coping with the madness of it all? Surely she understands that the world must go on its course in spite of the glitch in her system? I would never overtly verbalize this to her for fear of it being received negatively. Please know my heart is about love not judgement. I would want my loved ones to be there for me but i would understand that folks cannot all stop their life for me. I poured another sweat lodge this past Saturday. I set that day specifically for J per her request. She was in my last sweatlodge. Merely days before she found out she had a brain tumor. The willow branches that hold my lodge together were taken from the willow trees on J’s property before the bank foreclosed on her home. I felt strongly connected to her as i was sitting in the lodge preparing to open my ceremony before my guests came inside with me. I recognized that full circle of the medicine wheel in relation to my path and J’s and how those branches still give of themselves in service for us. I will talk to you more about the sweat another time. I knew i was connected to J in that sweat though and i trust that we did great work in our prayerful lodge on that beautiful and magical harvest moon. I am curious about how much work went into me realizing how connected we all are over all the years of my life and yet i feel so seperate from J in this path unfolding before her.I am trying to maintain that recognition and awareness of the absolute connection of all things to one another. Yet how can i not feel myself connected to her now that she has been diagnosed with all this cancer all over her body? I feel helpless regarding J. It would seem if we are all one then we could by our own faith and recognition of that oneness take our own energy and heal each other as well as ourselves. i truly believe we can heal ourselves. Her tribe, the Cherokee has become lost since the trail of tears. I wonder if that didn’t play a role in all of this? DIS ease is an outside manifestation of the dis ease inside of our hearts and our emotions and our psyche. Anyway, thinking of J intensely these days . Pray for her as well if you feel moved to my beautiful Cath and take care of yourself too. all my love