Amoveo

Pula wondered if the gods were right… he wondered all the more if the gods spoke these rules then why will they not speak to him now? Ever since he could remember his people told stories of how gods made all things come to be. Where are the gods now when he has so many unanswered questions? “What is this silence between us?” he often prayed. In the deepest part of the night when even the crickets seem to be in slumber, he prayed this and many things. It seemed no answers ever arrived. A voice maybe? A dream perhaps? Nothing.” If he wasn’t meant to have these answers ,” he wondered. “Then from where did these questions come?”  So much wondering often leads to drowsiness so Pula decided once again to let it go and focus on the trail unfolding in front of him as the day was pressing on and there was no time for a nap.  He sensed an urgency in the pungent forest air around him.  With all of his questions, Pula did have one certainty inside him that burns since he was old enough to remember anything.  His people believed he was born to bring this prophecy to them and they honored his visions though he was not yet 15.  His people knew that young children barely weened from their mother’s breast could not make up stories that seemed to pour from Pula. An old soul, he seemed to possess a knowledge of words far beyond the stage of a three year old child. Bathing with the women of the village he would begin telling them about a day that will come.  “very soon” Pula often spoke.  The women would all stop in unison and silently examine baby Pula.  “What is this the child says?” Grandmother Fia  exclaims. “We must listen to the boy!” she urges everyone to pay attention.  “very soon!” Pula would burst forth as he splashed around the balneae.  “Amoveo”  he would say.Over and over “Amoveo!”.  “What is this amoveo he refers to grandmother Fia?” asked one mother.

     “Fia being a shortened version of the name “sophia” a greek name meaning “wisdom” and “knowledge” True to her name grandmother Fia counseled much “wisdom” over the years throughout the tribe and neighboring villages beyond Haemus Mons of the North. Raised by an herbalist grandmother herself, Fia learned all about the native medicinal plants of the land. She learned to propogate plants in order to travel with them and create tintures and poultices for every ailment anyone might encounter.  She possessed a medicinal knowledge and a natural born intuition that allowed her to diagnose and treat almost anyone that came across her path. Her name and her insight travelled far across the land and  many times over the years she was summoned (often in the wee hours of the night) for various reasons. One particular snowy evening, as Fia was about to retire for the night there came the sound of a horn blowing  through the trees.  Fia thought it might be just the howling of the winds thrashing through the forest  but the sound was becoming louder and more disctinct. Surely she has heard this call before? Stepping back out of her pallet of covers, she hurries to the door to investigate the sound.  Before she can reach the front room where the door is located, an explosion of noise erupts through the front of grandmothers Fia’s home and in rushes a large burly figure covered in snow and ice from head to foot. There was so much snow that Fia could not tell if this was a man or beast. Heavy panting persisted as the massive figure standing before Fia’s small frame tried to catch a better stream of breathing. upon quick examination , Fia noticed there were a pair of large boots sticking out of the cloak and a long snow covered beard dripping melted snow on her head as she sized up the frozen intruder.”May i help you sir?” Fia cautiously spoke. “Who are you and why are you here at this hour?” Still only heavy breathing came forth. ” I cannot help you unless you speak to me” Fia stated. Growing increasingly impatient and more tired from her already arduous day, grandmother Fia was about to begin shouting when the large cloak came down off the shoulders and hit the floor with a heavy thud. Beneath the cloak was a tall bearded man holding a young  woman with child and  heavy with labor pains. Despite her shock Fia immediately reached forward to help the man carry the woman to Fia’s bed across the room and lay her down. “i beg your pardon missus” the man spoke between the heavy pants. ” My young wife is in terrible need of a midwife and i was told you could help us” “I am not a midwife” Fia replied. “You have been misinformed sir” she added. Panic set in across the mans frost bitten face. “Oh but please you must help!” he cried ” I have carried her so far in this snowstorm and i fear i cannot carry her any longer NOR will the baby wait for us to find another shelter! you MUST help!” defeated, he collapsed to his knees and began to stroke his young brides wet hair as beads of sweat poured from her forehead.  From the looks of her, the young woman would not last much longer if Fia did not help her birth this child. Fia nearly jumped up and ran to the cabinet to gather some dry clean cloth. she handed them to the strange man kneeling over her bed and instructed him to grab the pot of water simmering by the fireplace and carry to the bedside. The woman screamed in agony.  Fia recognized  the sounds of danger and quickly raced to the woman with her bag of herbs entow. Inspecting the young woman , fia noticed a tremendous amount of blood flowing from her womb. “You must push with all your might!” yelled Fia. The mother pushes and pushes until Fia notices not a head but little tiny feet appear.  It is too late to do anything about this so Grandmother fia urges the mother to keep pushing with all she has until the tiny baby appears on the blood soaked sheets of Fia’s bed. As fia wipes the baby clean and turns to present the child to his parents, she notices the mother has slipped into unconsciousness. Passing the newborn child to his father , fia rushes to tend to his mother.  After some time she turns to the father and child with a sad expression on her face”i am very sorry but she may hav lost too much blood. There is nothing more i can do.” Fia declares.”We must let her rest”. Taking the infant boy back from the father , fia motions for him  to return to the bedside of his dying wife. “My beloved ” cries the man” the gods have smiled upon our love and blessed us with a beautiful son!” Barely able to speak , the young mother replies” I had a dream my love” “I dreamt i would have a son and he would be a part of a grand prophecy oneday.” “in my dream” she said ” there was much death so i never shared the dream for fear my boy might die.” The man brought the boy to his mothers bedside so she could see him.  “Where are we?”asked the mother in her still small voice. Fia appeared before her just then “You were very brave my dear” said Fia. “another minute lost and you may have had your baby in this storm!” The mother smiled wearily.”who are you?”asked the young mother. “Sophia “replied Fia. “Most people call me grandmother Fia” “and who might you folks be?”fia asked as she placed the newborn boy to his mothers breast “I am Xander and this is my wife Petra.” the man said.”We were seperated from our caravan of people just over the pass”he told Fia. “Then a storm hit and we were forced to find shelter in a cave not far from here.”he added. “i know of the place” said Fia. “I often keep my surplus stored there until spring so i donot have to venture over that pass once the winter arrives”  “You must be far from your people to end up in THAT cave. Fia told Xander. “Its a good thing you found me”. “Well” said Xander ” i am very grateful for your assistance with my wife Madam Fia and i do plan to repay your kindness one day”he told her.” If you would be so kind to let us rest for the night, i shall take my leave with my family at dawn” “Dear me” Fia retorted.”your wife is very weak and is in no shape to travel come Dawn. AND this weather is not suitable for travelling with small infants”Fia told him. “Let us all get some sleep and we can figure this out on the morrow.” And with that she found some spare cloth in her chest and handed them to Xander to keep warm.She grabbed the baby and placed him in a basket next to her rocker so the new parents could get a little rest after such a trying turn of events. As she rocked back and forth in that dark little room, she remembered days long ago when Fia herself was young like Petra and married to a dear man from the plains. A war took him from her and after his burial she vowed to hold him in her heart forever but to love noone else ever again.  She found her contentment in caring for the people in her village and the surrounding areas as best she knew how. This became the joy that sustained her. She pondered this as she drifted off to sleep. She woke to the sound of her door slamming closed.  The baby lay sleeping quietly next to his mama but Xander was gone.  A note lay at the foot of her bed with a large horn atop the covers Fia had given Xander only hours earlier that now warmed his sleeping wife and child. Simply put, the note read “I promise to come back for you both” all my love X (to be continued….)

Dearest Cath…

So I do not know if i told you about my friend J. A few months ago, i happen to call her because she was heavy on my heart. No i didn’t. I sent her a text message as it was morning and i wasn’t sure if she was off her shift yet. She called me a few minutes later and I was so surprised to get her call that i immediately answered it. I remember her saying ” I am sooo glad you answered.” She told me that she had been having some issues for a little while but kept them to herself. Until recently, she was having intense dizzy spells . I think she mentioned a blackout episode while driving once also. The details of the conversation are blurry to me. She had told me that she had been in the hospital all night and they ran some test and found a mass in her brain. I of course made plans to head over to her house within the hour. I know there was nothing i could do but  i could be with her and sit with her and listen to anything she needed a listening ear for.  she told me that she had not told anyone anything yet because there was nothing to tell yet. This made perfect sense to me. She did not wish to alarm her only child Tara(22 i think) when she had almost no information. She knew it had to be serious on some level because it alerted her to go to the emergency room. This is not a common thing for Janelle to do. She had a tough exterior. I say “had” because i think its softening now. She wouldn’t dare let anyone know about her not feeling well either. Much less express her feelings about it. I personally feel responsible for not sharing with her that i think bottling up your feelings is detrimental to ones health. I feared she would not take it well and i did not wish to ripple waters with my feisty friend.  I should have. I know better now to stand up more and to be more assertive. It was medicine that would have really helped her and perhaps having the knowledge may have prevented the illness she is battling now. After  a massive ordeal getting clearance to get a good surgeon to look at her scans from the hospital, J found out that indeed there was a walnut size tumor in her brain. She was going to have surgery the next week. It all seemed to happening so fast it literally made my sight take a dizzy spin. It was not happening to me . I can only imagine what might have been going through her mind ya know? She is a nurse herself and has seen a great deal of sickness in her career. She was a medic for the green side for about ten years also in the military.  I have told you about her before. She is the beautiful  Cherokee woman with gorgeous blue eyes i told you about in the past? She was my supervisor when i first met her. She did my intake when i was hired at Royal Care.  She is very strong yet very stubborn and loves to live on the edge and to roll with cats who are edgy as well. A single mother of one daughter(she was a teen mom)she worked many long hours and extra shifts at work. She related to me even though i was married at the time. Soon after beginning my work there my marriage took a major nosedive for the umteenth time and before i knew it , I was seperated and moving out . Meeting her at that time proved to be a blessing in disguise. We became close very quickly. She was smart and witty and beautiful and  badass. Still is 🙂 She is about a year and a half older than me. I thought about her being my age as soon as she told me they were gonna take the brain tumor out. My vivid imagination was not much of a blessing for me at this moment that is for sure. The day before she was to have the operation, she had to get tests done and certain preparations at the hospital. I did not find this out til she was in surgery the next day but they found more cancer in her lung, her kidney, her lymph nodes and her face.  This is the closest anything like this has really hit home for me. I have never been to a funeral. I have never lost anyone i loved through death yet. I have lost and grieved much loss and the death of relationships i wanted but this was totally a different thought for me to concieve in my mind. I realize more now than ever that my journey here is temporary. I knew this before all the recent events unfolding in J’s life but it still was tripping me out like i can not even express.  I cried when i knew she was in surgery. I begged all my friends to quit smoking and start taking better care of themselves. Almost all of my besties are fatties who smoke and eat like shit and do not get their heart rate up outside of sexual activity. I know there are no guarantees of longevity. But i truly feel Cath that we are designed and created to live strong vital lives. I do not buy into this “i’m getting old so i just have to expect to fall apart” mentality.I am not old. Even when i am one hundred i will still be younger than a wink in time of all eternity. I fully plan to be as fit and vital as Jack Lalaine when i am an old hen.What is time anyway? I love what Moorjani says about it being nothing what we perceive it to be. She says there is no such thing as time. It all happens at the same time. at once. That all life, all things, all time are one. For where i am now in my life , this idea she proposes feels right to me. I do find comfort when meditating on this idea. J has done alot of research and investigating and came to the conclusion that chemo and radiation are just money making scandals and she was not going to take this road.   I believe she wants the Gersohn(sp?) treatment. Different friends have been having various fundraisers for her to help pay for the cost of fighting her cancer however she needs to, feels to. I bought her the book Dying to Be Me that you recommended for my reading pleasure. I have been trying to hangout with her and of course willing to drive to wherever she is and bring her this powerful and inspiring book. Its been a futile effort. I even requested an address to mail her the book and a few other things i bought for her. I heard she is flying out  today to Mexico today to get treated.     I think she has been avoiding me because she cannot give up smoking and feels like i might judge her for it. I surely wouldn’t but i feel its my duty as her friend and sister to tell her its poison and she needs to stop. i never badger her about such choices.  I am not sure really what is going on. I imagine getting this grave diagnosis comes with a whole new book of rules.  I am sure she is busy trying to figure everything out but im insecure about everyone getting to talk to her. I do feel guilty for not attending the fundraiser events. But my life has been full and busy and planned out. Driving four hours to someones fundraiser for her all day is a huge commitment.I tell myself this but is this my way of coping with the madness of it all? Surely she understands that the world must go on its course in spite of the glitch in her system? I would never overtly verbalize this to her for  fear of it being received negatively. Please know my heart is about love not judgement. I would want my loved ones to be there for me but i would understand that folks cannot all stop their life for me.  I poured another sweat lodge this past Saturday. I set that day specifically for J per her request. She was in my last sweatlodge. Merely days before she found out she had a brain tumor. The willow branches that hold my lodge together were taken from the willow trees on J’s property before the bank foreclosed on her home. I felt strongly connected to her as i was sitting in the lodge preparing to open my ceremony before my guests came inside with me. I recognized that full circle of the medicine wheel in relation to my path and J’s and how those branches still give of themselves in service for us. I will talk to you more about the sweat another time. I knew i was connected to J in that sweat though and i trust that we did great work in our prayerful lodge on that beautiful and magical harvest moon.  I am curious about how much work went into me realizing how connected we all are over all the years of my life and yet i feel so seperate from J in this path unfolding before her.I am trying to maintain that recognition and awareness of the absolute connection of all things to one another. Yet how can i not feel  myself connected to her now that she has been diagnosed with all this cancer all over her body? I feel helpless regarding J.  It would seem if we are all one then we could by our own faith and recognition of that oneness take our own energy and heal each other as well as ourselves. i truly believe we can heal ourselves.   Her tribe, the Cherokee has become lost since the trail of tears. I wonder if that didn’t play a role in all of this? DIS ease is an outside manifestation of the dis ease inside of our hearts and our emotions and our psyche. Anyway, thinking of J intensely these days . Pray for her as well if you feel moved to my beautiful Cath and take care of yourself too. all my love

Dearest Cath…

I was reminded recently about our falling out. The running blog in my head felt sufficient to the expectation of you understanding my odd humor and poor choice of words.  The intensely stubborn side of me said that it was as so because i felt punished already by not ever seeing you. I know i saw you at my wedding. It was such an honor to have you there with me. You represented all of my side of the family in attendance on so many levels that i felt anxious for you. I also realize i have not yet been married two years so it hasnt been forever . It just seems so. And when you reacted by disconnecting yourself from me then it felt almost like it was par for the course regarding the punishment i was already enduring by the distance between us. I do not really know what happened other than we both passed the test and came through with relatively minor denting. 😉  I am not getting enough sleep at night. I wake up a half a dozen times to slip off to the bathroom and refresh again with a drink of water. I end up staying up if it appears that i will not fall back to sleep. If there is light in the day then i will not sleep.  I feel like i have accrued a rather large sleep debt. I wonder if we will feel more alive when we leave this place? When we leave our bodies?  Will we remember each other? I wonder if we will remember more once the human form has been lifted from us?  I hope i remember more than i do now. I am trying so hard to remember all that i was created to remember and i just seem at times like an exercise in futility as i constantly work so hard to destroy my ego leaving less room to peel back the layers to the heart of me and truly wake up. We are cooking food that i grew and harvested from my garden this evening. Butternut squash and zucchini saute’ed in veggie oil w some salt.  Bella made homemade chocolate chip cookies and i cheated and had one. After i ate it the memory of how amazing it had tasted seemed to swiftly brisk away from me and i then wondered if i was gonna be enough sugar and stuff in that cookie to tear my digestive system up in the morning. I should have ate the cookie slower. Savored the experience more.  Kind of like sex. It always seems to be sweeter when you extend the arousal longer and pull back right before you make the other person climax. haha. I know we do not ever talk about sex. Its actually a fascinating subject. A subject i for one am happy to be involved in on a regular basis now that  i am happily married and can have all the unprotected sex i want and try whatever i want cuz we get to KEEP eachother.haha Seriously, if i were here in my head with you when i was with you then there would be no protective guard and casual conversation with us would include sex. Why do women never really talk about it? It doesnt have to always include extreme talk or whatever. I for one would love to know that i can expect some wisdom regarding the changes women go through as they get older. Unless you watch Oprah(which i havent in many many years) then where does one go? There used to be a closer sense of community among women as there were tribes and villages rather than large metropolises we call cities.  There used to be so much more ceremony and honor shown towards natural changes and rights of passages celebrated for milestones long since died out. If i had my say, then we would live in a world where those customs were still regarded with honor and women would not be expected to operate as if it were any other day.  When females first began their moon cycle then it would be a loving web of women embracing her entrance into womanhood. There would still be tribes. there would be NO WALMART. Everyone would have the same amount of everything. Men treated women with highest regard and recognized the importance of the yin and the yang. I am starting to sound like Alice in Wonderland.  Dare i ask should you be surprised? I am forty now and my cycles are regular and i do not experience any obvious signs of menopause.  But there is so much people could really share if they were not so addicted to distraction.  There is so much improvement to be made and empowerment to inspire should we all see the value in moving to a more intimate and personal connection in our communities. I know i know . Opinions are like elbows…We did receive a small amount of rain here in our neighborhood that everyone seemed to get a bunch of today here in East TN.I need to get back into the shop for an hour or so then try to unwind before my brain wears out. On the chance that your open for it i have enclosed a bolus dose of love from my heart to yours.  Even if you feel its warmth and light but are not aware of what just happened then i believe it still has a magical effect.  May beauty and bliss surround you precious friend. truly.

Dearest Cath…….

Temperatures remained at 106 degrees at 8oclock last night. I feel bad for not walking Neo as he generally does not leave his little cove under the porch unless i summons him for our walk together. I try to walk him three times a day but that doesnt always happen.  He loves being in the garden with me. I work so hard in the garden but it never seems like enough. I know you probably think i am crazy…i am not worried a bit if i am even.  I have been studying about Planet X and Nibiru. I realize there are alot of things out there that speak of things to induce fear as perhaps even another means of creating a market for some product they are trying to push or capitalize.  But its not what i read that bothers me the most. Its waking up in the God hour countless nights/mornings.  Its the dreams that are being fed back to me from my own memory of things happening that are happening now. The stuff we never talk to anyone about. Its knowing the imminence of something big but not remembering in the trueness of ourselves is all knowiedge and there is knowledge of something impending yet i can only feel it.The environment is still a grand conviction of mine. There is filth EVERYWHERE. This society of people have become so desensitized by it that it has become unnoticeable by most. July 1st and its expected to be 104degrees today in Knoxville.  I have been watering in my garden to try to soak it heavily to endure another day of intense heat. I was extremely nervous being out in the heat yesterday. We went to see a friends farm down the road and he was showing us his garden the fifteen minutes out in 106 degrees with nothing covering my skin i felt like i was in the middle of a desert. The Mayans and the Khogi and the HOpi prophecy are all the same. We must stop the madness of this constant bleeding the Earth of everything.  I have outgrown my simple faith over the years and my understanding has led me to the idea of a truth far bigger than organized religion has ever offered me. Until we learn that we are ALL one and stop what we are doing and stand still for just one *ucking moment than we are going to ruin this place and life for all things on the planet. Man has created a cancer on the surface of the planet and is digging in to cannabalize the rest of her.  This is not about fear. Its about vision and preparation and oneness.  I feel like i have wasted soo much time. I am still baffled though that my heart has sought truth fervently since i was very small and vision has always come to me in my dreams. Yet something has blinded me their is a veil between what the dreams tell me and a fogginess to feel any sense of power , or clear understanding as to the dreams meaning.Yet they continue to come. I am lost to deal with a people who is sizing me up and down and stuck on appearances and judging me based upon simple first impressions rather than any substantial effort to find out who i am. People are stuck in how you can make it easier for them to talk to you about stupid shit.  People do not truly say “Its so lovely to be with you!” Nowadays, it has become “Hey there, how are you ? Thats a pretty shirt your wearing!” I want to say “I think it is that is why i wore it.” But this is considered rude. I have found myself in Alice’s dream and i cannot figure out how to escape ya know?  Even the environmentalists do not care to communicate about why we are all here. Its not to live to be 80 and be old and die. Why is noone talking about why we are here? What about all the predictions? It does not take a shaman to see that its just a matter of time before we tip the scales and global disaster will be here. What about the question”whether or not one believes in aliens or calculated meteor collision predictions or global warming or Hunab Ku What plan do we have in place should such an epic event occur?” EVEN IF WE NEVER USE IT.  The best i know to do is to meditate and prepare myself and do all i know i can to help others awaken to the idea that our civilization is in trouble and WE CAN CHANGE IT. On a lighter note, i started reading Carlos Castenada again. Between working in the shop and kids and garden and walking the dog and trying to cook good food , blah blah blah my reading is at a snails pace. I take the girls once a week to the library and they all maintain a big love for books. I first heard of Carlos Castenada from you.  These hot days would be perfect for sitting under those trees in your backyard on your swing and discussing great books you were always reading. I wonder what you are reading right now.  A few days ago we were headed to a performance at the church that the girls were in. right in front of us as if time slowed down by some hacker from another dimension were playing with special effects, this king cab truck in front of us loses control and crashes into the hill aside of us.  As it was flipping over, i could hardly believe it but instinct kicked in and i started racing to get my heels off and yelling at my husband to stop the truck and for one of the girls to call 911 and i flew out of that truck in my barefeet to the truck. though it seemed like seconds i was preparing my brain to see traumatic injuries and i was first on scene.  We were on a  blind sloping swerve and there was only one car behind me. I kept seeing a pileup and my kids getting squished while i tried to help these victims in the truck. There were three of them. Two huge guys and a tiny girl. All probably college kids or they were partying with the college kids at the condos where my stepdaughter lives(and we pay for…ugh) They were definately NOT sober because i was trying to see if they were all ok and one guy was telling the girl to back the truck up. A giant tree has totally smashed into the windshield and hes trying to get her to back up. He was bleeding from the head and about 6 foot 5 to my 5 feet 2 so it wasnt going to well. I left as soon as the ambulance got there to get the girls to the performance on time but i was again reminded of the brevity and fleeting of time. I was seeking my nagual and asking for it. Earlier this week i was woken up just after 6 in the morning by the call of a hawk. I went out by seven to walk Neo and the hawk soared above me making slow circular motions in the clearing at the bottom of our property.  For days it has been with me all over the city it seems. I have been practicing second attention and imagining how awesome it would be to fly like a  bird through the branches. Its as if i can see the hawk like i am sitting on the branch behind it as it cleans its wings. I see the leaves and all the branches and greenery below us. I can feel the breeze blowing through our feathers as we are perched up so high. I am still always left with the question…Whats it all mean? Do you journal anymore? Do you ever read your journals? I havent in years. I have journaled but not read old stuff. There is that dream i had of you years ago that keeps coming up in my mind at random times.  I keep seeing you in a carriage as if the whole scene is from classical painting. I remember telling you of this dream. the part that keeps coming up is the carriage and the billowy clouds painted all around the sky. Now that i am thinking of it the dream was more about you being sick and losing alot of weight and I was coming to see you at the hospital and you at some point got in this carriage..its was euphoric being there but its crazy that it keeps coming up as if to remind me for some particular reason. You live too far away from me. I shall carry a lifelong selfishness to have more time with you.  Noone even talks on the phone anymore. We try to do multiple things every day so texting is the new reality. I miss hearing your voice and the sharing of your thoughts on books your reading or that we have both read.  And walking the dogs together. I talk here as if im 100 years old and on my death bed but i cannot help it. I envy all those lucky bastards who get to share so much time with you and waste it with banal shit.  Or have grown accustomed.  Every dog i have ever had has always had and uncontainable tail wagging joy when it saw me. for as long as i owned a dog or as long as it lived with me , this was something i could expect just as the sun rises and sets everyday.  But people , we are selfish and spoiled and stubborn.  We allow ourselves to grow numb of the things that once sent a charge through us.   Like kissing. or Hugging or touching others or just being loving.  We touch our children less once they grow from babies to big kids. My kids are still forced to put up with my affection but even i have become less hands on with my children and others. G and i are quite affectionate.  but Its a vibe thing too. And the energy people foster within themselves by the food they eat, the thoughts they  dwell on and the lifestyle they live ALL affect the connections between people.  I miss the safe dome of protection around our connection when we were together as if it were just one world.  You were always so very interesting to me. I wondered many times what it would be like to be friends with you when you were a teenager or even age ten.  I dont dwell on the sorrow of the distance between us . Its just that i blinked and 26years has passed.  I think on a occasion such as this that its ok to say i miss you.  It should be allowed this one time. ti quiero mucho mi hermosa katarina.

Dearest Cath……

It seems strange as it always has writing letters to you because there has been an ongoing connection so strong since we first me that this letter seems far more for me and my simple understandings than a missive for you.  🙂  I last spoke with you via text message when Osa died.  I still miss him.  Strange things jog my memory of him.  I was driving past a waffle house(we like to dub it the awful house)we visited the morning after he got hurt. We had to drive to Maryville to get him from the Emergency Care because they closed at 6a.m. and Osa was in too rough of shape and they didnt allow patients to stay.  We had to take him from there to our vet in Seymour.  I had not slept so this was quite an exhausting journey.  We didnt know what to do after we left him and G and i were so emotional and in shock that we didnt want to go home just yet. So we went to the awful house.  I am spoiled on organic range free eggs from our friends D and K (though i am vegan and rarely eat them anymore)that the eggs at the awful house taste truly awful.  I drove past this new branch the other day and it made me miss him so bad as it reminded me of that morning. G took me home after we ate at the awful house then he left for work.  I made a fire in the North all day for Osa( i guess for me too)I prayed hard that he would go so that i didnt have to make the choice to end his suffering. I guess that was his gift to me. To help me let go.  The interesting turn of things had it set forth to bring upon a new dog soldier to our home. Neo. He is an Australian Shepard /huskey mix.  Black with tan and white stockings on all four legs and tan and white cheeks.  He has blue eyes with his lower right eye splashed with dark brown over half of it.  I will have to tell you how he came to us another time.  He is quite afraid of men.  He is of strangers but he doesnt panic around females or kids like he does men. Isabella moved her toe on the footrest the other day and his whole body flinched. I keep coming up with these different stories in my mind as to who he was as a pup and where he may have come from.  Everything about Neo is a mystery to me except that i know in less than one months time we have grown to love each other.  G takes it personally at times that Neo is frightened of him but he’s patient with him. Neo teaches patience. Noone would dare lose their patience with him because you can tell it would make your own heart hurt worse than any mini panic Neo might experience. G and i had a fight recently after Neo had only been with us a few days. he ran and hid under our bed and when we yelled at each other he even growled for a second. I felt like a total failure of a human for feeding and ugly argumentative vibe and risking very fragile trust with my new dog soldier.  There was a break in the rain this morning and so i decided to take Neo out on a walk as it was late and i usually walk him before eight in the morning.  I let him off the leash last nite to enjoy being on our property. I had created a routine with Neo right away of taking him on a walk three times a day. We built up the distance so we could meander through the valley and wooded edge before heading back up the drive and around the small loop here on top of the hill where our house is.  You could tell he was excited that i let him off his leash last nite. I was nervous to let him stay outside because in my selfishness i didnt want him to run off.  I wanted him for my dog soldier/my friend…my pet. In the middle of the night the rainstorm welled up so loud that it woke me from a hard sleep.  I yelled for Neo as if i was thinking of him even as i slept.  I jumped out of bed and ran outside to call for him. In a few seconds he came bouncing out of the darkness towards the light i had just flipped on the porch.  It took a few minutes of coaxing and a piece of turkey meat but i got him inside.  He immediately ran under the kitchen table for safety but i was relieved to have him inside from the wild rain outside. That was somewhere around 4a.m.  Pushing towards ten the next morning I was eager to get my body in that walk mode and to get Neo outside and one more day closer to being more comfortable around me and his new home. He loves to dart towards my bedroom and hide under the bed for twelve hours at a time …so though i felt like a bully keeping him from his hidingspot I thought it would help him avoid getting a big comfort zone noone could penetrate.  I had the collar in my hand and of course he ran under the table again.  Something inside of me spoke so audibly clear and knowingly that it was almost as if a message had been sent from my brain to my body and it obeyed even before i realized my idea.  I put the leash on the table and propped open the door , stepped back to the edge of the porch and called for Neo.  As i backed away he poked his head out to look for me as i called him. I decided that we had taken enough walks in this first month together that he has a good idea of where he is.  Just as i had hoped he followed out of the house and off the porch. Our first walk side by side with NO LEASH! I was so happy that i bounced on our walk together and i even giggled out loud halfway through our route. he he .  On our way back up from walking the front portion of our property we stopped in my garden and he hung out with me while i spent nearly an hour weeding the crops! We are building this connection and i think he trusts me better because i have learned to look straight into his eyes. This is hard to do with huskeys having two different color eyes. G has blue eyes and i have brown so i thought this to be especially sweet.  I talk to him when we walk together. It helps me get out of my own head.  I had to board him at our vets just two weeks after getting him and it was quite a challenge.  I couldnt expect much support regarding my crazy feelings about it from G because he felt we should wait to get a new dog soldier until after a few of our festivals.  I couldnt bear to have him put back in that disgusting cage(though a fabulous facility and program the animal shelter had)  so i brought him home almost as if i had been hypnotized to do so. thats my story and im sticking to it. Seriously, he chose us just as much as we chose him.  I am so excited to have him hang with me though.  Of course he is at the moment back UNDER our bed fast asleep. 🙂 I have been thinking alot about you. When i feel overwhelmed as if the world is gonna swallow me whole i think how you may handle such a feeling. I wish i were near you because you make everything feel as if its gonna be ok when i am around you.  Some things never change. I feel as if i am climbing an uphill battle of mindfulness in a world where mosts people are clueless to mindful awareness. I spend more time fending off the reactions and attitudes and behavior of others who do not reach beyond the banalities of this typical world we roam around in on a daily basis. its exhausting. I am not saying that i think i am better. We are all the same.  Most do not realize this though.  I am tired. If i were closer in proximity to you then perhaps i could bear this world a bit better with your sense of humor to keep me going.

I know i may seem self centered at times by not asking the typical questions most people ask in such correspondences like” how is the husband and grandchildren yada yada” , but my heart is stuck to what we have connected on.  I do care how your life is going. I care that you are at peace and that you are joyful.  I care mostly about what you have to teach me and how i can be better as a result of my exposure to you. I miss you. How perfectly suitable that the song” Waiting on a world to change ” just came on the  satellite radio.  Of all the mysteries in this world i am most baffled that i managed to survive to this ripe old age of 40 without totally losing track of all my basic senses and awareness. Thank you for all them prayers …haha. they are working so far. (many may dispute this statement but i prefer to selectively overlook such narrow minded individuals. 😉 Do you hear me? Can you feel the strong vibes i am sending you? I love you by the way . Beyond this galaxy.